Finally finished

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bitter_remorse_666

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I have finally finished reading every single blog I wrote from the age of 15 to the age of 22. What a fucking whirlwind for sure. I truly felt each and every emotion all over again. Searching for love in those unworthy was a really painful existence. I was truly controlled by my emotions. I never understood it back then but I was recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I now take mood stabilizers and I have the knowledge to recognize destructive behaviors today. Not only can I recognize them but I have the tools and ability to confront them and put in a real effort in coping. I needed severe help as a young person. Trauma left me empty and grown up much too early. Moving out at 15 and dropping out of high school at 16 was a necessity but such a destructive choice.

Searching for attention and falling for every cute girl to look my way was a way of life. I was used and I used. I was cheated on and I cheated. I was called a stalker for being obsessive. I was hung up on this one girl who strung me along from 15 to 18 years old. That was so hard. Throughout all that drama I just wanted to be loved back as hard as I was willing to love. What a disaster. 15-18 year old girls don't have the capacity to love someone the way I wanted them to. since I was sexualized at such a young age I used sex as a tool. It was my weapon. Unfortunately giving it up on the first date is not a good way to receive the love I so craved. Amongst the many faces of women I would bed I started to have some longer term relationships. 8 months, 3 years, and then one that was 4 years long. All three long term relationships blew up. The first was trust related, the second ended because she beat me with our vacuum cleaner in a drunken rage, and the third was a marriage that ended because of infidelity.

Then there were the drugs. Reality had become much too much for me to bare. I started to smoke weed at around 14 years old. I had begun smoking cigarettes in the 4th grade. At 15 I had started to enjoy drinking alcohol and taking morphine. My true escape, however, was ecstacy. I think I tried it for the first time at 15. It was the escape I was searching for. As an undiagnosed BPD sufferer, chronic depression was a commonality so when the ecstacy would alter my brain chemicals and dose me with a hefty shot of serotonin and dopamine I felt level and truly happy. That was what made it so addicting. Of course I didn't know at the time why I was so drawn to the colourful pills. After I had turned 17 all my friends started to get out of their ecstacy phase. I was just starting to slip deeper into it. I was binging for weeks at a time. I lost the respect of all my friends. I secluded myself from them in return. I was resentful, I felt betrayed. This caused me to feel like there was something seriously wrong with me. I did get sober for a short stint when I was 18. That did not last long because I was then introduced to cocaine. The high was not as long or intense as ecstacy. I reasoned with myself that cocaine wasn't as bad. I ended up struggling off and on with cocaine until I was 26 years old. I lost so much in my life to drugs.

Looking back my life felt so critical. I wanted to end it so many times. I tried to. I attempted suicide a number of times. I self harmed. I took part in risky sexual activities. I dulled realty with drugs and booze and women. Hopelessness was a daily feeling. I truly felt I deserved nothing less than the hell I created for myself.

All is not hopeless. Today I am 29 years old. I have finally escaped Winnipeg in favor of the west coast. Since moving out here I have successfully quit drinking alcohol, taking drugs, and smoking cigarettes. 3 years sober to be exact. I finished my high school diploma in 2019 and enrolled in trade school. I graduated from structural welding school March of 2020. I have been working hard in the field since June 2020. I met my fiancé online almost 3 years ago. She is also sober. We are planning our wedding for October 2021.

I guess I'm writing this as a message to myself. I conquered hell and arose from the ashes a new woman. It is never too late. A big part in that was seeking help for my mental illness. I accept all the bad and the good I see in myself today. Without all that heartache and pain from the past I would not have grown to the adult I am today.

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