Eek eek squeek squeek

I want to masturbate but I don't have any hands. What should I do?

 

Hello Caparica, thanks for reaching out.
Have you considered using some object to grind against? Perhaps a dead squid?
Thanks,
Surfer5000

 

Dear Surfer5000,

Thank you for the comely advice. Would that be the Atlantic or European squid?

 

Caparica,

Glad to hear I am able to help. It really is down to personal preference, I would suggest trying both if you have the access. Some prefer a long, moderately slender and cylindrical body of a European Squid, while others prefer a reddish hue of the Atlantic Squid.

Let me know how it goes!
Surfer5000

P.S. The European Squid is also known as Loligo Vulgaris in Latin, you can guess where that came from!