For a long time now I have not felt like myself, I know as people see me is one part of myself tho. (Trigger Warning). People don't see me fighting my own thoughts. The fact I Am troubled by ill thoughts haunts me. I am on medication. But I don't want to be putting on a show for people I'm with. I want to be me. I have good thoughts and bad thoughts and weird thoughts. Some thoughts I have make me wonder if that's me. The bad thoughts I wonder if thats what I truly want. However my conscience knows that's not true. Kinda like a help of hope for just me. I want so much for me to be perfect and ideal for everybody. I can't explain how or why. It's developed as a way to survive. But I see the happiness it brings to help and be so genuine with people. Kinda like I feel right for quick instances being good to people. I have lied allot all my life but I want to believe I actually have care for all I come across. It feels right and I also feel bad too because I adore the feelings of being there for people in a selfish way. But only feel good when people actually are satisfied or surprised by such kindness. But I am not that way completely because I judge allot of character in others and myself. I crave perfection and want better for people but see certain behaviors and thinking is apart of the grand problem. I don't know myself. I could see perfection in my head but it's out of grasp to act on it. But I don't want to beacting. It's like I'm an animal trapped in a sophisticated society trying to fit in. I legit pretend to be okay and act like I know what I am doing. Although I am scared and confused and questioning every little thing that I seem to attain through experiences. I am so afraid of bad but why am I rude and ignorant to people feeling the same. I am not any more special than you or actually know the key to life. I want to know everything and I want to be the best me equal to all of you. But I don't think i'm worthy because I am just a single boy trapped in a mans body wanting to do what I can't for people. I watch movies and see amazing ways of being respectful and proper and caring. But everyone says it's fake and call's me fake for being the show they watched last night. I know in my heart it resonated with me that scene and I wanted to give you the same open joy I have experience imagining making that scene come true. But to you I just acted but maybe in real life I can't portray who I am because I believe it isn't good enough for you. But I'll sit here with everyones arguments about whether or not im genuine because I don't know who I am truthfully I live me not see me because I'm to focused on being better for you. But I have done wrong to fit in. I admit I have been fake but a real me still watches all I do. My actions have spoken for what I have done but don't explain where I want to be or how I want to be. I am trapped in my head and yet I walk amongst you all. I know I am a product of what is available to my knowing but my conscience shows me what I need to do. I just wished I was always willing to listen rather than being afraid it was the devil talking to me. I now know I don't want to go to heaven but enjoy this world as if it was. I don't need to explain who I am for I am not him yet. Wish me luck I will grow not to be perfect but a honest to myself person. I want to be better but the temptation of thought is still there. Wish me luck peeps. your over free thinker Confused human. PS I am on meds. actually a PRN as needed pill. Taking one now. Have a great day/night.