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What's cooler than being cool? Ice cold! Alright alright alright alright alright

Discussion in 'Attention Seekers' started by mikeconley11, Feb 1, 2018.

  1. mikeconley11

    mikeconley11 Junkie Pic Mod

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    Conley Storytime:

    I went to cook dinner, wanted mince and pasta because that's the easiest to cook. I try opening the bolognese jar, but it won't budge. I spend about 10 whole minutes trying to open it, until my hands hurt and I decide to eat later.

    So, fast forward a few hours and my French housemate with the big ass wants to cook with me (by with me, I mean she cooks while I stare at her ass). She also cooked mince and pasta. I was so stupid, I didn't think it through because obviously she would want to use the bolognese sauce for it too. She goes to open the jar but can't open it.

    She asks me to open the jar. I'm a prideful guy, I don't want her thinking I'm weak and I realise that I need to come up with an excuse fast. She hands over the jar and I "accidentally" drop it with the intention of it smashing on the ground. But the fucking jar lands on my foot and softens the impact.

    Now I'm really screwed, I can't do that again or she'll get suspicious. So, I pretend like it really hurt my foot and I'm injured. I take the jar with me and go back to my room, telling her to just continue cooking and I'll be fine.

    When I get to my room, I frantically try to open the jar with everything I've got. But it won't fucking open. She knocks on my door, I'm really panicking now. I'm going to be exposed.

    I take off my jeans and put the jar in between my thighs for extra grip while I try yanking it off with my hands. The jar (made of glass) breaks open on my legs and my leg is bleeding and covered with bolognese sauce.

    I clean myself and tell her that it was cracked when I dropped it on my foot, that when I put it on the table it fell apart.

    Masculinity protected.
     
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  2. mikeconley11

    mikeconley11 Junkie Pic Mod

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    Am I still eligible for posting in teens btw?
     
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  3. The Punjabi Playboy

    The Punjabi Playboy The Heel

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    There's only one word to describe you, and I'm going to spell it out for you.

    [​IMG]
     
  4. skrinkle

    skrinkle Cat Mom Staff Member

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    Lmao is this really true? Girls don’t actually care if you can open a jar
     
  5. mikeconley11

    mikeconley11 Junkie Pic Mod

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    Maybe you won't, but she likes guys with muscles and shit. Plus she's French, so you know she's judgmental.
     
  6. sharkbait.

    sharkbait. Guest

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    Next time use a tea towel to grip the jar and prise it off in quick turns, that gets it everytime man
     
  7. mikeconley11

    mikeconley11 Junkie Pic Mod

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    A tea towel? Sure, that's right next to my manicure set. No-one owns tea towels!
     
  8. sharkbait.

    sharkbait. Guest

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    Hand towel whatever, a fucking towel man.
     
  9. MarkFL

    MarkFL Guest

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    I must say Mike...and I applaud your effort here, but for some reason, perhaps my Geritol hasn't kicked in yet, but I found this story to be a bit uninspired. :(
     
  10. Wrecky

    Wrecky Valkyrie Staff Member

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    LMFAO poor Mike :rofl: Did you try tapping the lid with a knife? That works for me when Mr Wrecky isn't around :)
     
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  11. mikeconley11

    mikeconley11 Junkie Pic Mod

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    Well no, but trust me nothing would work.

    My hands are big, so I'm usually good at opening jars. This was a ploy from the manufacturer to humiliate me in front of hot ass.
     
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  12. sh4n3y

    sh4n3y Nexopian Elder Plus Member

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    For Christmas dinner my grandpa came to me to open a jar for him

    Felt nice
     
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  13. skrinkle

    skrinkle Cat Mom Staff Member

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    Run it under hot water to make it expand
     
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  14. MarkFL

    MarkFL Guest

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    But, a man likes to be able, when handed a container with a tight lid, to be able to open it in front of a lady without resorting to tricks like this...to be able to simple muscle it off and assert his dominance over that pesky container. :)
     
  15. Mr.Lame

    Mr.Lame Veteran Pic Mod

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    Jizz on it, for lubrication purposes, she'll admire your masculinity.
     
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  16. fuckdis

    fuckdis Guest

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    My weird english room mate dropped a jar on his foot so he could bring it in his room and use it to masturbate. The jar broke in the process. Help me.
     
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  17. mcpon14

    mcpon14 Junkie

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    Is there a little mound on the lid? You can press that and it will make the lid very easy to open. :)
     
  18. mikeconley11

    mikeconley11 Junkie Pic Mod

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    Is that what that's for? :omg:
     
  19. deuxtasses

    deuxtasses Member

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    You sure this isn't a story line from Big Bang Theory
     
  20. mikeconley11

    mikeconley11 Junkie Pic Mod

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    Ew, no that show sucks. Watch a clip without the laugh-track
     

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